Michael Richards, I hope you're reading this. Remember how the early Seinfeld shows used to open with Jerry doing stand up? TNT should substitute this rant over the wacky opening music and see how that plays. Way to ruin your sitcom legacy, Michael -- now the only time people will burst into applause when you walk in a room is at KKK meetings.
Anyway -- I bring this up because there must be better ways of confronting hecklers than yelling "He's a N****er!" at the top of your lungs, smashing your guitar over a guy's head, or diving into the crowd and rubbing your beard against the perpetrator (Joaquin Phoenix, I'm looking at you). So without further ado, here are some of the greatest comebacks to hecklers, researched on YouTube and compiled in "Handling Hecklers for Dummies" (or more appropriately, "Handling N***ers for Michael Richards"):
Jamie Kennedy's corniness finally works; Bill Clinton is America's enforcer; Thom Yorke Wants None of This; Jamie Foxx reverse-heckles ands ruins a career.
10. Martin Lawrence - I Don't Come to Your Job..
The absolute best version of that tired comeback, "I don't come to your job..." I can't tell if it was the delivery or if the audience is crazy drunk, but either way he kills it.
9. Dane Cook - Table Manners
Set aside the fact that Dane Cook is an obnoxious douche for a moment. If you can, then enjoy this moment of lucidity from Mr. Cook, and how he does damage control for a rattled audience. Not since Liza Minelli has the hilarity of domestic abuse been so wonderfully exposited.
8. Joe Rogan is not your fucking boyfriend.
My word. Gotta hand it to Joe Rogan - he channeled the frustration of the entire male experience and unleashed it on this unfortunate, dumb girl. This was so devastating she might actually end up being the girl he described in that rant. Suffice to say she may never again win an argument with the opposite sex.
7. Flip Schultz Flips the Bird
In here more for the middle finger dance than the pedestrian (but still effective) comeback. I'm going to try incorporating this move into my everyday life.
6. Arj Barker Hates You the Most (starts at :52)
He had me at "Yea, gym."
5. Jimmy Carr's Mum
A little British humour for you all. Jimmy Carr is the P.G. Wodehouse of stand up: lovably pretentious, unconscionably witty, and slyly profane. Cheerio.
4a. Bill Hicks Hates Cunts
Seems natural to put these two legends together. This epic Bill Hicks tirade should be on a poster. Watch this and just try to resist the urge to prance around your room and yell "I got a cunt and I'm drunk!" in Hicks' redneck voice. I dare you.
4b. George Carlin - How to Handle a Heckler
This was just pure freestyle anger pouring out of Carlin. And the best part is, he makes everybody in the audience feel the same way. Along with Hicks (and Sam Kinison), nobody was better at "fuck you-ing" the world...yes, I just made that up.
3. Kevin Smith - Comic Con Hero
Holy shit this guy got owned. I love how Kevin Smith answered the question legitimately and then casually slipped into attack mode. What the hell was this guy thinking? Kevin Smith lives for these kinds of moments.
2. Zach Galifianakis - SHUT UP!
Well done, Zach Galifiaenksidkis! Watch until the very end and you will be rewarded. Zach G. runs the whole gamut of emotions in this clip.
1. Richard Pryor - This Ain't Johnny Carson, Muthaf$%ka!
OK, I admit it. I'm guilty of putting a lesser video as number 1 to pay homage to an early legend (See: every ESPN Top Ten List ever). But look how cool Richard Pryor is on stage, and how he doesn't miss a beat with that last comeback.
Let's see Michael Richards fuck with THIS nigger.
(Disagree with my list? Have any better videos? Want to heckle me?
Post it in the comments, and I'll be sure to get back to you...as soon as I pull my cock out of your mother's ass. )